Written by Gabe Shapiro
Illustrated by Micah Liesenfeld

Libraries are no longer just places for borrowing books; they are places for checking out wireless hotspots, sewing machines, fishing poles, and more, write Deborah Fallows and Lisa Guernsey on New America’s website.

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Let’s join the weekly staff meeting of the Broadway Library:

Art Dill, library director: I know you guys enjoy giving me blowback on this, but, as librarians, we have the responsibility to add patron services whenever we can. That’s why our library users can check out Celestron telescopes and cookware right at the front desk. That’s why there are solar-heated picnic tables in the Lloyd Stanley Winter Garden and fur-lined reading bathtubs in the Kiddie Explorer area.

Lilly Radill, longtime research librarian: I do think we have responded well to the needs of our patrons, especially the children. And that’s great. But what about a renewed focus on the adults? We haven’t done much for them since the Sunday car washes started last spring. Never forget that it’s the adults who pay the bills, not some noisy kid smelling up his PullUp in the Mister Owl ClimbMe Tree.

Dill: Here, here…. I’m sensing you have a proposal.

Radill: Well, it is summer, and the SillyWilly Splash Pad we installed – yes, the one you guys were so nervous about – has been going gangbusters. Yes, it’s molded up a few books and we had to replace a few rugs with no-slip tiles, but it was worth it! A lot of moms and dads, frazzled moms and dads, accompany Little Jimmy and Little Sarah to our library. They are tired and stressed. That’s why I know that there is an absolute need for a manicure station. At least a two-seater. It can replace half the Travel Writing section – no one really reads that stuff anymore! – the part right near the SmashySplashy Stevie the Tiger sprayer. It’s getting wet anyway.

Darial Lidell, 5-year veteran of the Kiddie Explorer area: What about the fumes?

Radill: Fumes!? Remember, this is a forward-thinking part of town. It will, of course, all be organic.

Darial: Organic, no-fume nail polish?

Brad Hunstzuc, 40-year veteran of the reshelving unit: Where will the cash for this come from?

Dill: We’ll ask the Library Auxiliary to drum it up. Remember all the help we received from them to finance the sushi bar? If you can afford to live in this ‘hood, you have the dough. Let’s move on to other proposals. We’ll vote on all of them at the end of the meeting.

Darbie Strunk, former accountant/current circulation desk director: Is the counseling suite getting enough business to justify keeping it open?

Radill: Are you even serious about that question? Haven’t you seen the lines for Dr. Clutcher? I make a motion to move on.

Dill: The ayes have it. Important: Do you think we offer enough pastries at the Giveaway Buffet?

Radill: Mona in custodial said she can whip up some more chocolate croissants – and I can always thaw out a couple Entenmann’s.

Bill White, maintenance man/chronic naysayer: Just letting you know: The lending cookware usually comes back all greasy. And now there’s a roach problem in reference….

Dill: Add that to the intern description: “Must perform necessary duties to repatriate loaned materials.” Wink, wink, we know what that means: Git yer ass in the staff kitchen and scrub those pots!

Bill: But we aren’t running a commercial kitchen. Things will clog up.

Dill: Add to internship ad: Must supply plunger. Just kidding: we already have one in the kiddie bathroom.

Rhinda Goodberg, 71-year-old be-bunned librarian: I think we need to add services that aren’t just for people doing well. Look around. We are a hub for the homeless. The city shut down all its day shelters last year. We are de facto social workers – and we aren’t skilled that way. Why not use some of the money to bring in a real social worker twice a week.

A lot of silence.

Rhinda: Hello? . . . Hello?

More silence

Dill: I have some good news that sounds bad. On Monday, we’re paving over the bocce ball courts. You may have heard a rumor that it’s to expand my personal parking area. Not true. Instead, it will become a large concrete pad able to accommodate up to four mobile homes with sewer and electric hookups…. I’ll be parking on the street.

Bill: What the hell?

Dill: Some of you might think – or even say – what the hell? But that could very well be because you are out of touch and/or geezer-like…. Why not think a bit? Who uses mobile homes?

Darbie: Travelers?

Dill: Correct. And who travels? Screw it, I’ll just tell you. Not just lumpen proletariats – there are influencers traveling that way. And what do influencers do? They influence – and that gets our name out there and that gets us more funding.

Rhinda: But we already have a pretty good budget and the audience for our multitudinous services live nearby, virtually within eyeball range.

Dill: Expansion, baby, expansion…. And, who knows, Rhinda, but you might be in one of those RVs, plying the country in a couple years . . . retired . . . no?

Deafening silence (and pinched face) from Rhinda.

Dill: Let’s do a lightening round: What other things should we add to stay relevant?

Rhinda: I am near retirement, so I have to ask before we go on: When do we stop being a library and instead be a health spa slash equipment depot? What next, offering tanning booths and oil changes?

Dill: Now you’re talking, Rhin. Maybe we’ll keep you a few years after all. You can hand out the plastic eye covers for the tanning booths. How good are ya with a wrench?

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Micah Liesenfeld is an instructional designer by day and a cartoonist by night, but if you rip off those disguises, you’ll find that he’s a husband and father of two who lives in St. Louis. You can also find him on Instagram @micahnova. Micah is a regular contributor to Supplement St. Louis. (And we are elated to have him.)

Gabe Shapiro is the editor of Supplement St. Louis.